Identity Crisis

This week’s been kind of tough. We’ve been battling some fevers and congestion and exhaustion and have just been worn out. One of Andy’s coworkers here on the farm passed away suddenly and a dear family friend of ours also passed away.  We have no doubt that they are now with our Lord Jesus, but to lose two people in a short time is still a bit challenging to cope with. It definitely changes our perspective and reminds us that our days are indeed numbered Oand that tomorrow is not promised. Encouraging and overwhelming all at the same time.

I’ve been thinking hard about who I am lately and about who I’ve been and who I’ll be. God has saved me from the mire and delivered me from darkness. I’m thankful for His mercy. He is always good. Still, when I’m struggling with contentment or peace or pride, it’s not easy to get through the daily grind of training children, keeping house, teaching, chores and all the glorious little things that come along with being married to a farmer and being married to a farm and running a tiny business. I’ve missed my mom and my grandmother who live miles away in Colorado. I’ve daydreamed about opening up a tea house just so my mom will move down and run it. I’ve looked up properties in the area and brainstormed about fixing them or homesteading on them. Is that right? It’s not wrong in and of itself, but when it comes from a place of discontentment then it becomes idolatry in my heart and that is wrong.

This morning Andy and I stayed home rom church. We aren’t all 100% healthy and we needed another day to rest and spend together. So, I poured out my heart over a hot cup of coffee when he came in from the morning chores. I told him my desires to be authentic and that I miss my mom and that I wonder if we should keep up with our tiny personal businesses even though he’s managing a fantastic farm now. You know, the little things that have weighed on me and made me question my sanity and stolen my joy. Apparently, that time confessing and talking was just what we needed to connect and be encouraged and move forward.

I’m thankful for my husband. I’m thankful that my worth in God’s eyes doesn’t change when my circumstances change. I’m thankful for this new little space to share those little things and little pieces of my heart. So, as I’m figuring out the balance of being a wife, a mother, an encourager, a teacher, a homemaker and all of the other little occupations, I will remember first and foremost that I am my Beloved’s and my Beloved is mine. XO.